doctor's visit...

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"

This is an excerpt from the Maroon 5 song "Won't go Home Without You". Occasionally there are songs that stick out to me when I'm out and about during the day...partially because I'm a music fanatic and partially because I'm a very emotional person. But I won't leave you hanging, I'll explain why these lyrics stuck out today...

I had a doctor's appointment today for my birth control...the plan was as follows:

• Go to work at 8:30A
• Answer the phones during the morning stand-up meeting and take my notes that will be important for the rest of the day (ex. who is out for the day, do we have any admissions, is anyone getting discharged, etc.)
• Get the census updated and the inner-office totes sorted
• Leave at 9:30A to get to the doctor's office by 10:10A
• See the doctor and get the birth control
• Head back to work
• Continue the day as normal (ex. answering phones, making copies, doing whatever is asked of me, etc.)
• Come home at 6:30P
• Spend some QT (quality time) with my family
• Go to bed

However, if you haven't caught on yet...it didn't work out that way. The first 4 points went along as planned, but at the doctor's office I got more information than I had planned. When I went in, I sat in the waiting room, went back and everything was normal, right? Well...not really. I had an abnormal pap during my pregnancy so last Thursday they did a repeat pap. My results came back yesterday but I hadn't heard anything yet. Well it seems that my pap came back as a low grade something legion (something isn't part of what it's called, it's just what is filling the blank for the word I can't remember). So, anyway, they say that means that it's worse than it was before, so they wanted to do some kind of scope to check the cells on my cervix. The scope ends in taking a biopsy of the cells if they are abnormal under a closer look.
At the end of my scope they took 2 biopsies of the cells for further testing. They said that testing could prove it to be just inflammation, however inflammation tends to get better, not worse. The other options are some kind of virus, or pre-cancerous cells. They tested for HPV last time and it was negative, but they also said that it doesn't mean it's absolutely true or that it won't change. Needless to say, when I was waiting for the doctor to come in to start the procedure, this song was playing...and it got to me, I mean I was an information sponge today and it was a lot to absorb, especially when they are talking about pre-cancerous cells and biopsies.
It just seems like there is always something going on, whether it's me or someone in our family.
My doctor left it at this:

Well, if the results are bad...we'll talk about it in my office in May.
If the results are good, I'll see you in May and we'll take care of the birth control then.
But if it's bad...we'll talk about it in May.

I go back May 21st to find out what happens. I was extremely upset when I left the doctor, I called Mike, I called my mom...and the song just stuck with me. WCRF was on the radio in my car and they were talking about going thru trials and tribulations, but God has overcome the world. That's when it occurred to me...God never said that we would be free of the bad things in life just because we follow him. He simply promises to walk beside us, carry us when we are weak, and not to give us more than we can handle. I don't have to cry myself to sleep...I just need to cry out to God for strength during this time.
That doesn't mean I'm not scared...but I know that God will take care of it, so I don't need to worry. It only borrows pain from tomorrow and it doesn't solve anything. So I will pray about it and continue to praise God and on May 21st I'll either get a clearer report or I'll start some kind of treatment, and I'll lean on God the whole way thru.

On a lighter note, here are some of the one month pictures:





{I'm sorry to say that I made a mistake and must add a disclaimer...in a previous post about work I said that Jocelyn is 6 months old. This was only a typo and I apologize for any confusion. She was only 6 weeks old at the time of that post and it was brought to my attention that I had made a mistake, but no one is perfect, other than God, so I apologize.}