doctor's visit...

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"

This is an excerpt from the Maroon 5 song "Won't go Home Without You". Occasionally there are songs that stick out to me when I'm out and about during the day...partially because I'm a music fanatic and partially because I'm a very emotional person. But I won't leave you hanging, I'll explain why these lyrics stuck out today...

I had a doctor's appointment today for my birth control...the plan was as follows:

• Go to work at 8:30A
• Answer the phones during the morning stand-up meeting and take my notes that will be important for the rest of the day (ex. who is out for the day, do we have any admissions, is anyone getting discharged, etc.)
• Get the census updated and the inner-office totes sorted
• Leave at 9:30A to get to the doctor's office by 10:10A
• See the doctor and get the birth control
• Head back to work
• Continue the day as normal (ex. answering phones, making copies, doing whatever is asked of me, etc.)
• Come home at 6:30P
• Spend some QT (quality time) with my family
• Go to bed

However, if you haven't caught on yet...it didn't work out that way. The first 4 points went along as planned, but at the doctor's office I got more information than I had planned. When I went in, I sat in the waiting room, went back and everything was normal, right? Well...not really. I had an abnormal pap during my pregnancy so last Thursday they did a repeat pap. My results came back yesterday but I hadn't heard anything yet. Well it seems that my pap came back as a low grade something legion (something isn't part of what it's called, it's just what is filling the blank for the word I can't remember). So, anyway, they say that means that it's worse than it was before, so they wanted to do some kind of scope to check the cells on my cervix. The scope ends in taking a biopsy of the cells if they are abnormal under a closer look.
At the end of my scope they took 2 biopsies of the cells for further testing. They said that testing could prove it to be just inflammation, however inflammation tends to get better, not worse. The other options are some kind of virus, or pre-cancerous cells. They tested for HPV last time and it was negative, but they also said that it doesn't mean it's absolutely true or that it won't change. Needless to say, when I was waiting for the doctor to come in to start the procedure, this song was playing...and it got to me, I mean I was an information sponge today and it was a lot to absorb, especially when they are talking about pre-cancerous cells and biopsies.
It just seems like there is always something going on, whether it's me or someone in our family.
My doctor left it at this:

Well, if the results are bad...we'll talk about it in my office in May.
If the results are good, I'll see you in May and we'll take care of the birth control then.
But if it's bad...we'll talk about it in May.

I go back May 21st to find out what happens. I was extremely upset when I left the doctor, I called Mike, I called my mom...and the song just stuck with me. WCRF was on the radio in my car and they were talking about going thru trials and tribulations, but God has overcome the world. That's when it occurred to me...God never said that we would be free of the bad things in life just because we follow him. He simply promises to walk beside us, carry us when we are weak, and not to give us more than we can handle. I don't have to cry myself to sleep...I just need to cry out to God for strength during this time.
That doesn't mean I'm not scared...but I know that God will take care of it, so I don't need to worry. It only borrows pain from tomorrow and it doesn't solve anything. So I will pray about it and continue to praise God and on May 21st I'll either get a clearer report or I'll start some kind of treatment, and I'll lean on God the whole way thru.

On a lighter note, here are some of the one month pictures:





{I'm sorry to say that I made a mistake and must add a disclaimer...in a previous post about work I said that Jocelyn is 6 months old. This was only a typo and I apologize for any confusion. She was only 6 weeks old at the time of that post and it was brought to my attention that I had made a mistake, but no one is perfect, other than God, so I apologize.}

Am I Ready?

OK, so...I have been introduced to the idea of stamping. I like the look and I think it's cool and versatile, but am I ready for that step? I don't know, I want to try, but I don't know that I'm ready for the investment.
Jenn, Mike's sister-in-law, made us a book for Jocelyn and one for our wedding pics, I'll have to take some pictures and put them up on here, but it will have to wait.
I have to be at work at noon tomorrow because I have to fill-in in the admissions office. I love being back at work, I like what I'm doing and I love dressing up! Anyway, it's getting late...Jocelyn is going to be ready to eat soon and then hopefully go back to sleep. More to come later in the week.
O, May 17th is national scrapbooking day just for those of you who don't know, so get those creative juices flowing!

WORK!

I go back to work on Monday...I didn't get the position that I was hoping for, but I'm still in the office and the hours work better with Jocelyn, she won't have to be left with a sitter very often. Even though the sitters are all family members, it's hard to leave her with people. Also, I'm not working a lot of hours in one day after the first two weeks or so, so I won't be away from her as long. It's hard to believe that she is already six months old, but this is about work so let me give you the details:

• I'll be working 3-7 maybe 3-8 depending on what corporate says about it. That's Monday thru Friday.
• Every Saturday 10-2. It was only going to be every other Saturday, but since It's only 4 hours I said I would work every Saturday.
• They said that if I ever need an entire weekend off I just need to let them know in advance and they will work with me.
• I still have to work out some details because that doesn't make me full time and I have to maintain a full time status for insurance purposes, which is a minimum of 32 hours.
• I'll be working with our Human Resources manager from 3-4:30 and covering her maternity leave at the end of the year.

I know it's not what I was planning, but God is in control and if it is in His plan then it will all work out. I prayed for God's will and I am confident that God will take care of the little details along the way. God is in control. I got my hospital bill in the mail the other day and I only owe 41 dollars and some odd change. If that isn't enough to show people that God provides then I don't know what is, I had prayed and prayed about the bills and that was a true answer to prayer. Then I found out yesterday with the doctor that my insurance cover birth control in it's entirety, all I have to pay is my $15 co-pay for my doctor visit. Praise GOD!

Career Possibility

When I moved to the office for my receptionist position, I was told that there was a possibility to advance after my maternity leave into a business management position. If this happened, it would be totally cool...I would have a day job with nights and weekends off, only working holidays when I wanted to, which would be totally cool, especially with Jocelyn growing up, I would be with her and my husband in the evenings and on the weekends/holidays. Working afternoons makes it hard for Mike and I to have time together...especially now that we have a child, and I just want to be agreeable and make everything work the best that it can.
I'm just asking for prayer...I go to the doctor to get released tomorrow and I don't know when I'll find out one way or another about the job, but God is in control and I want His will in my life. I have turned it over to Him and all I can do is pray about it. If it is meant to be, God will make it possible, and I will follow him regardless of the outcome.

UPDATE!

Jocelyn had to have an ultrasound on her hips today. We probably won't have the results in a couple days, and the doctor didn't sound like he thought it would be a serious problem. Her hip creases aren't symmetrical which could lead to problems, so please keep her in your prayers. Adam and Katie were here this weekend with some exciting news...a new little cousin to add to the family will be here in September I think, maybe it was October, but I'm pretty sure it's September. Got some new scrapbooking stuff today at JoAnn's but I forgot to take my 40% off coupon, so after my doctor appointment on Thursday I'm going back to get one thing...if I can go and only get ONE thing it will be a miracle in itself!